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Author's note: This book was almost never written. When struck by the desire to add to the literature of affairs, my initial belief was that the libraries were already filled with many self-help books on the subject. That is true, however I felt what was missing was a more personal and direct guide to help those who are suffering in the first critical weeks of emotional devastation. Based on personal experience and that of scores of people just like me who have "been there," this book offers a very personal look at recovery and offers practical advice and suggestions for dealing with the specific areas that need immediate attention. It is designed to help stop the bleeding and does not go beyond that into subjects like repairing a marriage, prevention or why affairs occur. For that you only need look at the other book offerings on DearPeggy.com and most especially, "The Monogamy Myth." With this narrow but important purpose, I hope that you can find comfort and build a new life for yourself after the anguish of betrayal. Richard Alan, June, 2006.
Dedication This book is dedicated to you, all those who have gone before you and those who will follow, that have suffered the ultimate indignity and devastation of a loved one's betrayal of trust by infidelity. It is especially dedicated to Peggy Vaughan and the coordinators and members of the Beyond Affairs Network (beyondaffairs.com) with special thanks to those in my own BAN support group particularly those who helped establish the group; Dan, Susan, Melanie, Pam, Kimberly and Ivy. Dr. D., my caring and compassionate counselor deserves special credit for saving my life. My heart has been healed thanks to all of you. I'd like to also acknowledge the support of all the members of our support group for their inspiration and ideas that have helped formulate my thoughts for this book Finally, I'd like to dedicate this book to my wife who has tried mightily to make up for her betrayal of our marriage. Before the affair, she was always my guiding light, a woman of accomplishment who I respected, loved and adored. Through this journey, she has once again proved that her strength of character can overcome great difficulties. My greatest hope is that she will find peace in her soul and once again become the woman of my dreams.
In most cases, infidelity takes place in a marriage setting. As such, much of what I say relates to marriages but I fully understand that any committed relationship can and often does involve infidelity and the pain and devastation is no less for you than a married person. For convenience, I have mostly used the term "partner" to refer to the person in your life who betrayed your trust. I am well aware that the pain of betrayal of trust is no less for those whose spouse, fiancé, life partner or other committed person has betrayed you.
This book contains actual dialogues or journal entries that took place during the discovery and aftermath of my wife's affair. These passages are extremely graphic at times and contain very harsh language and sexual content. If you are going through the aftermath of an affair, you will understand. I apologize for any offensive passages but feel that the truth must be told and hope that by seeing these passages the reader will gain an understanding of the difficult consequences of marital infidelity and see that they are not alone in their intense emotions and reactions. Copyright © 2006 by Richard Alan. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication my be reproduced, distributed or transmitted
in any form or by any means including photocopying, recording or other
electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission
of the author, except in the case of Licensees, and brief quotations
and certain non-commercial uses as permitted by copyright law. For
permission, contact the author at: firstaid@bellsouth.net
Forward The state of marriage and committed relationships in the world, especially in America has become an issue of great importance over the last few years. Politicians have staked out their positions on issues such as homosexual marriage and the lines have been drawn. Many say that the very institution of marriage is under attack. I have to say that seems to be very much to be the case. But, in a way, it always has been. In her groundbreaking book, The Monogamy Myth, Peggy Vaughan clearly exposes the ill founded belief that marriage means monogamy and togetherness forever. In fact, we now know that most marriages involve infidelity. Adultery and deception in relationships have been with us since the dawn of time. Great men and women across the sands of time have shown their duplicity through dalliances and intensely sexual affairs. The tales of sin and adultery are exposed in the bible and other religious tracts. In God's own commandments, adultery stands beside murder and theft as a most serious violation of law and acceptable behavior. For centuries, affairs were seen to be the province of men and women seemed to be left to suffer in silent acceptance since it was often seen as a case of "boys will be boys." One has to wonder though, who were these men having their affairs with? Certainly not always other men so the role of women may not have been such a silent suffering at all but more a silent hidden role that only in the last few years has exploded to the point where women now have reached parity with men in their participation in affairs and the deceit that goes with them. Our society used to condemn such activities and those who participated were scourged and publicly humiliated. Today, we celebrate it through films, books, television programs that give reason to believe that adultery is fun, exciting and even justified. Movies such as The Bridges of Madison County and television shows such as Desperate Housewives show just how pervasive our permissiveness and acceptance of this behavior is today. It is as though while 50% of the married people are having affairs, the other 50% are enjoying it by proxy. Some advertisers even stoop to using adultery or illicit activities as an enticement to buy their products. The most blatant such advertising were the automobile billboards and advertisements by General Motors in 2005 that encouraged male buyers to buy two cars, one for the wife and one for the mistress. The steamy sexual energy generated by affairs is akin to drugs. In fact, the release of all those hormonal cocktails is intoxicating and causes such a high for most adulterers that it is almost as addictive as cocaine. In many respects, we are waging a war on adultery that is as abject a failure as the war on drugs. An entire industry has flourished that addresses prevention of affairs, recovery from affairs, improving marriages and male - female relationships. Despite that, the incidence of adultery continues to skyrocket to the point where more than half of us are in some way involved and the other half is suffering the devastating effects of their actions. Just as drugs ruin lives and families, so too does adultery. Somewhere in the romance and glorification of affairs, we have never noticed the terrible damage it does to the lives of many people. Where a drug addict ruins relationships, causes financial damage and hurts innocents, so too do affairs. If you are reading this as one who has been hurt (an understatement for those who have experienced it) you know exactly what I mean. Affairs suck the life out of marriages and individuals. Just as drug addicts do, adulterers spend outrageous amounts of money on their habit. They shower their lovers with gifts, entertainment and spend thousands on travel and hotels while family bills go unpaid. Affairs remove one parent almost entirely from the free time of families. They are so driven to get their high that they will find ways to spend every free moment to be with their paramour rather than their mates and children. The intoxication of an affair can cause otherwise rational people to act irrationally. In their excitement, the errant spouse often believes they are smarter than everyone else. They often believe that they can live two lives, maintain their lover and avoid detection. They can't and don't. They always get caught, always, because in their euphoria, they often become very foolish. Those of us who are betrayed can feel the change in them, we know something is up and soon discover the infidelity through simple investigation. They always leave a trail. And in the end, there is destruction. Though the destruction and cost of drug addiction has been publicized and used to discourage it, the destruction caused by an affair has been largely ignored in favor of the glory and profit potential of either exposing the sordid details or exploiting it through forms of entertainment that are questionable at best. Springer, Maury and their breed exploit the pain and anguish of those who have been betrayed shamelessly and incessantly. Yet we watch. If you've ever watched the angry reactions of those who discover an affair on those shows and believe it is all a scripted reaction, think again. It is real and it is common. Those who have been betrayed suffer pain and emotional destruction that goes beyond description. The children of parents whose marriage is destroyed suffer emotional scars that last a lifetime and often drive them into similar behavior when they become adults. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and friends are severely distressed and angered by affairs. Some would disagree but I believe that no good, none, ever comes out of an affair and once it is done and in the open, we are left to pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives. Recovery and rebuilding your life after an affair is in the opinion of those who have been so betrayed the most difficult challenge that a person can face in life. Most agree that even the death of your closest loved one is easier to accept and recover from. Death can be understood and is expected. Betrayal by the one person you love the most and in whose care you have entrusted your heart is overwhelming, unexpected and incomprehensible. In dealing with over one hundred victims of affairs, every one of them has said it is the worst experience of their life. Even one cancer survivor has said that hearing they had cancer was less an emotional blow than discovering her husband's affair! It is almost impossible to accept and can never be forgotten. It can however, be overcome. Why people have affairs is complex. Not everyone who has an affair is an evil selfish harmful person. Good people fall into affairs never intending to do harm. Unfortunately, some are evil and some do it as a hobby without regard for the consequences to others. This book cannot even begin to analyze the why and how of affairs. For the best understanding of that, read the aforementioned Monogamy Myth. This book is about hope, healing and knowing that the hell you are going through as a betrayed partner can be overcome. It is about finding your way out of the fog of emotional and physical destruction that you are feeling. It is about shedding the fear, anger and humiliation and rebuilding your self esteem and happiness. So many others have faced this challenge over the centuries and almost all of them have found a new life and overcome the destruction. You will too. Once, at a conference of Christian counselors I expressed my view that the attempts to prevent affairs were a losing battle, just like the war on drugs seems to be. I asked aloud, why bother, it seems the marriage building industry is a very ineffective one for the incidence of infidelity continues to rise. While self-help and marriage help has grown, so too has adultery. An elevator companion who overheard my comments simply said, "We don't give up the war on drugs because it is the right thing to do and if we did, it would only be worse. It's the same with the war on infidelity; we can't give up and if we save just one marriage or prevent just one affair, it is all worth it." Regrettably, for most readers, this book means we failed you personally. But hopefully, we can help you heal and from this terrible ordeal, build a better life and a better future relationship. God bless you and good luck in your healing.
You made me what I am today, You made me what I am today, Original Lyrics from a song with music by AL. PIANTADOSI and words by HENRY FINK. Published 1913 by LEO. FEIST, Inc. 1
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