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Question:
Since my wife told me of her affair 8 months ago we have been struggling to recover. We talk more, spend more time with each other, have good sex (which is getting better); however, we are still unsure if we will make it as we still both have our 'good' and 'bad' days. Is this normal after so long? How will we know that we have recovered enough to say 'I want to stay with you'?
Peggy's Response:
The above is an absolutely normal description of the process involved in recovering and knowing you want to stay together. Actually, it's entirely possible to know you want to stay together long before you feel sure that you'll actually succeed. For instance, my husband and I both knew from the beginning that we "wanted to stay together"—but it still took about 2 years to know for sure that we were going to successful.
As I've repeatedly point out, this whole process takes time. I have never known anyone who completely recovered in less than 2 years. Sometimes people think they've recovered sooner than that—but find a setback or a new issue to be dealt with. This is not to be discouraging; in fact, it can be encouraging to know that it's normal for it to take such a long time.
However, it requires more than just the passage of time to bring about full recovery; it takes both people actively working toward recovery (as described above). Full recovery is a slow, jerky process that involves two steps forward and one step back. So it's important not to be impatient with this process, but to recognize that the key is simply to keep things moving in the right direction overall.
As for when you know for sure that you want to stay together and that you can succeed in recovering, it's partly determined by an accumulation of ongoing honesty and trust-building actions. There's no magic moment when you know; it's a process of gradually feeling more and more sure—until one day you no longer have the same nagging question in your head. When that time comes, you'll know it. In the meantime, it simply can't be rushed.
Note: The above Question/Response is one of many previous ones I have written that address this issue. All of these questions and responses are now organized together in Collection 2: Rebuilding the Marriage.
For more information, listed below are the 23 questions from Collection 2 relating specifically to this issue.
When will I be able to decide?
Should I go ahead with divorce?
How long do I wait?
When will we know we want to stay together?
Is it best to stay?
What about staying when they've had multiple affairs?
Is it time to call it quits?
How long should I wait to decide?
Should we give up and move on?
How do you know whether/when to divorce?
What do I do when he keeps changing?
Should I leave?
How long does it take to decide whether to stay or go?
Is it normal for him to be so undecided?
When is it time to let go and move on?
Will he/should he come back?
Should I go or stay?
Waiting 7 years to leave!?
When the person who had an affair won't decide?
How often does an affair lead to divorce?
How will I know if divorce is right for me?
Is there hope for reconciliation?
What about remarriage to the same spouse?
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Note: For the full list of 151 questions in the collection, see Collection 2.
To Order:
To order any of the 3 Collections of 151 questions, see: Collections of Questions.
NOTE: I continue to add more writings to my Blog (not about affairs).
I hope you'll take a look. For a list of my musings, see Blog Archives.
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