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Question #1:
I recently discovered my husband had a one night stand. What are the chances of this being a one-time thing, or would your research suggest that generally men do this on a serial basis. I have suspected him on several occasions, but with no hard evidence, except for the one time.
Question #2:
When someone commits adultery, statistics show that they are very likely to do it again. How can you trust someone who has betrayed you once not to do it again?
Peggy's Response:
The above questions are somewhat different—but related. And I have addressed both of these issues before. Here are some key factors:
As I've said over and over (and one of the key points in my book, The Monogamy Myth), the absolute norm is: "Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible."
This is almost universal. So even if/when someone is caught, they tell only what they absolutely have to tell—no more. This is totally understandable in that nobody (on any issue) wants to voluntarily disclose things that they know will create bad reactions; it's a normal human survival instinct.
The fact is that many people who learn of their partner's affairs don't learn everything. They're often afraid they don't know everything—but they're even more afraid of finding out there's more (and frankly, they often can't really imagine there's more—because they're still trying to think rationally and make this "make sense.")
As for statistics predicting whether or not it will happen again...
I have not seen any statistics that specifically address this issue. Very little about this whole situation is cut-and-dried—and statistics that would focus on this would have to be done on an extremely long-term basis in order to check as to whether or not there was ever a repeat. Added to this problem is the difficulty of getting honest answers to these kinds of questions asked of people who have had affairs. So I'm not too hopeful about finding good statistics.
However, since I've stayed in touch with some couples for many years following an affair, I'll share my opinion based on the general patterns I've observed.
In general, when couples thoroughly talk through and work through the affair issues and commit to continuing their honest communication about all aspects of their relationship—then there is unlikely to be a repeat affair.
However, when couples do not talk through it and fully deal with (but try to bury it or set it aside and just go on), the pattern of secrecy continues and there's more likely to be a repeat.
So while it's possible that a person who had an affair now "knows what not to do so you won't suspect," you also now know what to do to make it less likely that they can deceive you—by continuously insisting on honest communication. The importance of this is that simply "not discussing" these kinds of issues makes it easier for someone to deceive you, but making them talk about these issues means they have to outright lie. This is not only more difficult for them to do, but it's easier for you to detect if there is an effort to be deceptive.
The bottom line is that everything depends on what happens once the affair has been discovered as to whether there is a repeat in the future. Ignoring it, setting it aside, not discussing it, etc., does not help in preventing a recurrence. While ongoing open discussion of all related issues doesn't "guarantee" it won't happen (since there's no such guarantee), it certainly offers the best hope for preventing a repeat of this painful situation.
For some statistical information based on my survey on affairs related to the correlation between "talking" and "recovery and rebuilding the marriage," see my book (available as a Free PDF download): Help for Therapists and their Clients in dealing with afafirs.
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Note: The above Question/Response is one of several previous ones I have written that address issues related to preventing a recurrence. All of the questions and responses on this particular topic are now organized together in Collection 2: Rebuilding the Marriage.
Listed below are the 8 questions from Collection 2 that deal with these issues.
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