Peggy's Musings

BABIES

Babies can be endlessly fascinating – especially when you can observe them in their natural state. This is exactly the case with a wonderful documentary simply titled “BABIES.”

I want to encourage you to see this film for many reasons: it’s enlightening and entertaining, leading to many laugh-out-loud moments. But it’s also a serious study of the enormous contrasts between the lives of babies in different cultures.

I had two “babies” of my own many years ago, and have 3 growing “grandbabies.” Like others in our culture, the way we raise them seems natural and normal. But after watching this documentary, it’s clear that what’s normal depends almost entirely on the culture in which babies are raised.

The cultural differences in this film are especially striking since the 4 babies are from 4 very different cultures. Ponijao is from Namibia, Mari is from Tokyo, Hattie is from San Francisco, and Bayar is from Mongolia. The first 3 are girls and the last one is a boy. (The families were chosen before the birth of the babies, so the filmakers didn’t know the gender ahead of time.)

The film follows these 4 babies from birth through their first birthday. We watch them learn to crawl, then walk and say Mama and Dada, etc. In essence, we see them go about their daily lives – with no commentary to interrupt our first-hand view of their world. Never was it more true that “a picture is worth a thousand words” – since we not only get a pure picture without commentary; we also get insight into their world without input from their parents.

It’s extremely informative to see the stark differences in the way each culture is reflected through the experiences of these babies during their first year of life. Most of us are not as culturally aware as would be beneficial in successfully dealing with a world that is growing more and more interconnected. This film provides a rare opportunity to learn about some cultural differences in a nonthreatening, nonjudgmental way – through the eyes of babies.

The film is short (80 minutes long), and definitely leaves you wanting more. In fact, my husband and I have talked about it a lot, and I fully expect to watch the film again.

Here’s a link to the movie trailer that can give you a little taste of what all the excitement is about. Official Trailer.

There’s also a lot of written material about the film. Here’s the official website: Film Website.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

The Last Move

A large part of the focus in our extended family during the past month has been the issue of arranging for ‘the last move’ for some older family members. There have been two instances of needing to move someone into a nursing home or assisted living facility.

In one situation, it was far past the time when anyone would have expected to live on their own. So there was no real difficulty in making this move - since physical challenges made it an obvious and essential next step. But it still marks a time when there’s an awareness that this is ‘the last move,’ bringing a certain degree of ‘finality’ to life.

These are very difficult times in most families, one that most people don’t want to think about until the time comes when they must act. It’s especially difficult if there is resistance to going into ‘the home,’ as recently happened with another family member. But within the first few days, she found that she greatly enjoying this new living situation. So it also had a positive resolution.

I’ve been the primary person responsible for handling this kind of situation twice – for my grandmother and then for my own mother. While I lived far away from where they lived, I naturally dropped everything to take care of the arrangements.

With my grandmother, it was extremely difficult. Since my mother couldn’t face the situation (either physically or emotionally), I was called home to take responsibility for moving my grandmother into the nursing home. Even though there was no alternative, she was extremely resistant to the inevitable move. In fact, one of the saddest (and most courageous) acts I’ve ever witnessed was when we were walking up to the door of the home – she on her walker and me following behind – and she stopped, turned, and said (with pride), “You didn’t think I could do it, did you?” It broke my heart, but we both were doing what we had to do.

Fortunately, with my mother, it was an entirely different kind of experience. It went smoothly because her health was seriously compromised to the point that she rarely got out of bed. She had almost died four years earlier following a stroke, so she had accepted that this move was coming. And since she would stay in her home town with so many friends, she was fully prepared and accepting of the situation.

I’ve always had a tendency to think about and talk about end-of-life issues of all kinds, and these experiences just reinforced the value of not waiting until the last minute to address these situations. So I encourage those of you who are gathering with family during this holiday season to take some time to talk about who and how these responsibilities will be handled. Doing so will allow the whole family to be better prepared when it comes time for a family member to make ‘the last move.’

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

The Importance of Families

The families in many cultures today don’t particularly revere the oldest person in the family. So I feel fortunate to be part of a family where there is a matriarch who is granted the utmost love, respect and admiration. And her position is well-derserved. She’s as close to being what might be considered a ‘saint’ as a human can be. As I’ve written about her before, she’s never had anything but a kind word to say about anyone.

She is now almost 102 years old, having survived the death of her husband when she was 47 and both of her daughters. Her son (my husband) is the only ‘child’ remaining. But she’s surrounded by many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren.

One of the ‘inside family humor’ aspects of her position in the family is that our grandchildren refer to her as the “Super-Prune.” This is said in fondness, not in disrespect. In fact, it developed out of the fact that our own children began calling my husband and me “the Prunes” when we in our 40’s – which is the current age of our children today.

As families have gotten smaller, there’s a certain loss in no longer having the big extended families of the past. But ours may be even smaller than most. First of all, I’m an only child, so my children’s only aunts, uncles and first cousins come from my husband’s side of the family. And this pattern is somewhat repeated in that only one of our children has children of their own. So all of our grandchildren’s aunts, uncles and first cousins come from the other side of the family as well.

Of course, the size of your extended family is not strictly determined by the number of people. For instance, I have 16 first cousins. But since I was the oldest of my generation, only 3 of them were close enough to me in age for us to develop strong relationships.

I’ve been thinking of the particular value of family in these hard economic times when people are losing their jobs and losing their homes - often becoming desperate for somewhere to turn. In times like this, it can be a great comfort to consider the words of Robert Frost: “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”

This ‘going home when there’s nowhere else to go” is a key theme in Tyler Perry’s movies like “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” and “Madea’s Family Reunion.” Unfortunately, not all families enjoy this kind of closeness. But that doesn’t mean you must struggle alone – because ‘families’ can be defined in many ways. This is reflected in the words from an old book, “Free to Be a Family - A Book About All Kinds Of Belonging.” (It was a follow-up to the more well-known “Free to Be… You and Me.”)

For instance, the book, “Free to Be a Family” celebrates all kinds of belonging and the extraordinary diversity among families. The theme of the book is extending the concept of ‘family'’ to include adoptive and foster families, step-families, relatives, friends, community, culture, and ultimately global humanity.

So I hope you will recognize and value the many forms of Family that are possible – and (in good times and in bad) that you will reflect on the nature of your own ‘family’ relationships and actively work to sustain (or repair) whatever you have.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

We Are Family

In this culture we place a lot of importance on independence and individual rights, sometimes at the expense of family and community. While this is very positive up to a point, it can also create a sense of isolation and a lack of a sense of ‘belonging’ to a larger group. In fact, we’re so isolated in many of our communities that we tend use our workplace or our political affiliation as the basis for establishing a place of belonging.

And when we do focus beyond our individual wants/needs, we’re likely to put a lot of emphasis on our ‘immediate’ family – as opposed to our ‘extended’ family. Other cultures more highly value other members of the family, often living with extended family members. They are also more likely to value their ‘community’ as a whole, seeing it as part of their extended family. And they are certainly more likely to value their ancestors.

I have become increasingly aware of the importance of remembering that I am part of a much larger whole. And much of this is due to exploring the teachings of the Cherokee. That interest was motivated by the fact that Cherokee is the only traceable heritage I can identify. Even though I am only 1/8 Native American, it both gives me a sense of belonging to a group/clan/tribe AND a sense of belonging to the wider group of humanity as a whole.

Cherokee teachings are filled with references to “all my relations” – which goes far beyond the particular family or tribe. One of the ways this is expressed among the Cherokee is: “We are relative to all living beings.” They have a way of relating ‘heart to heart’ with others, the nation and the planet. Their way of viewing each person as part of a larger whole establishes a sense of family and of belonging that is quite different from our current way of life.

In fact, many of the issues we face around the world today are due to this lack of awareness of how ‘all of us are in this world together’ – all part of a larger whole. Our lack of living as one with nature has led us to try to control nature to suit our convenience, thereby creating many of the natural disasters we are facing today.

We would do well to draw on the Native American experience in reassessing our relationship with each other and the world at large. And this shouldn’t be too difficult since many of us (whether or not we know it) have Native American ancestors. For instance, this entire land was fully settled before it was ‘discovered’ by Europeans. No one knows the exact population, but estimates range from 40 million to 90 million when Columbus arrived in 1492. By 1700, there were approximately 50 or 60 distinct Indian ‘nations’ east of the Mississippi River and about 50 Indian nations in the West.

By following the example set by the original ‘Americans,’ we can expand our image of ‘family’ beyond the narrow definition we have used to this point. This can help us return to a more cooperative way of dealing with the problems we face – as well as bringing us together as peoples who need each other to survive and thrive.

Some years ago when I was conducting workshops for business, we occasionally used an exercise based on “The Tragedy of the Commons.” This simulation consistently demonstrated that when individuals act independently in their own self-interest, they can ultimately destroy a shared limited resource - even when it is clear that it’s not in anyone's long term interest for this to happen. It was fascinating to watch as people invariably gave in to individual interests even though it repeatedly led everyone to lose. (A good example of this dynamic is displayed in the conclusion of the movie “War Games” in which the computer finally recognized the mutual assured destruction inherent in the game.)

We will have a much better chance of avoiding this kind of scenario in real life if we can begin to see all the peoples of the world as part of our extended ‘family,’ leading us to work together for the common good.

If you want some ideas/guidance in what you can do, see our sister website, Partners for Strong Communities. This is a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to addressing some of the issues facing all of us today.

For some specifics, see:
Things as they are
Things as they can be

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.