Peggy's Musings

Ain’t it Awful

For the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with a very frustrating business transaction. As the situation became more and more prolonged, it began to “take over my life.” And I did what I tend to do when I get upset: I began to “awfulize” – to think (and say) that this is awful and I can’t stand it. These exaggerated reactions to life’s irritations are, of course, patently ridiculous. They’re not really “awful;” they’re just the routine aggravations that we face at different time throughout our lives.

This overreaction to everyday events is made all the more ridiculous when you think about things that are TRULY awful – like the oil in the Gulf of Mexico! I’ve been watching a lot of the coverage of the situation in the Gulf, and am more and more embarrassed at the idea of complaining about ANYTHNG.

The more I focus on these kinds of serious situations, the more perspective I am able to bring to the irritations of daily life that are NOT really awful – just inconvenient. Unfortunately, while the fact that others have it worse – MUCH worse – is an awareness that may temporarily help us deal with our tendency to awfulize about life’s normal hassles, but it’s sometimes difficult to hold on to that perspective over time.

So I want to share Albert Ellis’s list of “irrational beliefs” that are behind most of the unreasonable thinking that causes so much upset in our lives.

But first, a note about Ellis, the man: While he presented a very gruff persona in his workshops, he was actually a very kind and generous person. I met him about 30 years ago when we were both guests on a TV talk show. In talking backstage, he became interested in my writing and offered to “critique” my first book. Almost a decade later, he again graciously read my next book and critiqued it as well. He was thoughful and insightful - and was extremely gracious to use so much time and energy in supporting someone he hardly knew.

Albert Ellis died in 2007, but he left a legacy of clear thinking that can serve as a guide for all us in getting control of the irrational thinking that gives us so much heartburn. His ideas are based on his work in cognitive behavioral therapy, proposing that “The way you think affects the way you act.” So if you change your thinking (your “irrational beliefs” about a situation), you’ll change your reactions to those events.

Here is Ellis’s list of twelve common irrational ideas that get us in trouble:
(Note that they are deliberately extreme to demonstrate how unreasonable our thinking can be.)

1. Everyone should love and approve of me (if they don't, I feel awful and unlovable).
2. I should always be able, successful, and "on top of things" (if I'm not, I'm an inadequate, incompetent, hopeless failure).
3. People who are evil and bad should be punished severely (and I have the right to get very upset if they aren't stopped and made to "pay the price").
4. When things do not go the way I wanted and planned, it is terrible and I am, of course, going to get very disturbed. I can't stand it!
5. External events, such as other people, a screwed-up society, or bad luck, cause most of my unhappiness. Furthermore, I don't have any control over these external factors, so I can't do anything about my depression or other misery.
6. When the situation is scary or going badly, I should and can't keep from worrying all the time.
7. It is easier for me to overlook or avoid thinking about tense situations than to face the problems and take the responsibility for correcting the situation.
8. I need someone—often a SPECIFIC person—to be with and lean on (I can't do everything by myself).
9. Things have been this way so long, I can't do anything about these problems now.
10. When my close friends and relatives have serious problems it is only right and natural that I get very upset too.
11. I don't like the way I'm feeling but I can't help it. I just have to accept it and go with my feelings.
12. I know there is an answer to every problem. I should find it (if I don't, it will be awful).

The bottom line is that it’s not the nature of a particular situation that triggers our reaction. Although we like to think “everybody” would react that way, it’s simply not true. Two people can face the same trying situation, with one reacting by awfulizing while the other is reacting by rationally consider the best alternative to addressing the situation.

So the next time you find yourself overreacting to some situation, stop and review the above set of irrational beliefs that are likely to be the real cause of our reaction. Since all of us face difficulties throughout our lives, we need to remain clear about what does – and what does NOT – really qualify as “awful,” and then try to respond in the most effective way possible.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

The Truth about Others' Lives

This past week I was reminded once again of a message I seem to keep forgetting – that you can’t assume to know what anyone’s life is really like by what they openly expose. We all know about the scandals that people keep hidden, but people also often hide painful aspects of their lives from the outside world.

When we look at someone who is particularly successful or someone who seems to “have it all together,” we tend to forget that (like almost everyone) there’s also likely to be some kind of personal pain or sorrow that keeps their lives from being far different than the “perfect” one we envision.

As I said, this week I discovered the “hidden pain” of a person I thought I knew pretty well. Actually, while I had always admired them, I also felt a little envious of how “easy” their life seemed to be. Then I was shocked to discover that they had spent their lives dealing with a painful past that they had kept to themselves.

The learning for me (again) was that we tend to judge people by their “outsides” (the image they present to the word) while we judge ourselves by our “insides” (what we know to be true about ourselves) - and we almost always feel we come up short. But when we learn the “truth” about others’ lives, we would NOT want to trade places with them – and we feel bad for ever thinking they had life better or easier in some way.

This awareness is something I’ve known about for a long time, but I keep forgetting. So with this most recent incident, I recalled a very old tale called “The Sorrow Tree.” Below is a version of it:

“So it was that when the Hasidic pilgrims vied for those among them who had endured the most suffering, who was most entitled to complain, the Zaddck told them the story of the Sorrow Tree.

“On the Day of Judgment, each person will be allowed to hang one's unhappiness and sufferings on a branch of the great Tree of Sorrows. After all have found a limb from which their miseries may dangle, they may all walk slowly around the tree. Each person is to search for a set of sufferings that he or she would prefer to those he or she has hung on the tree.

“In the end, each one freely chooses to reclaim his or her own assortment of sorrows rather than those of another. Each person leaves the Tree of Sorrows wiser that when he or she arrived.”

Another old quote that expresses a similar sentiment is this one from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”

No one makes it through life without some struggle or sadness, as reflected in another of Wadsworth’s quotes: “Into each life some rain must fall” (later used as the title of an Ella Fitzgerald song).

So the the next time you judge someone for being too “cold” or too “arrogant” or too ANYTHING… stop and consider that they are almost surely struggling with some kind of personal sorrow of their own. So rather than judgment, a far more appropriate attitude to adopt toward everyone is one of general compassion.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

Lessons from the Olympics

Although watching the Olympics provides lots of information about what it takes to excel in sports, it also provides lots of examples about what it takes to excel in life! Here are just a few of the life lessons to be gleaned from what some of the athletes did in this Olympics.

Hard work over the years can allow people to excel beyond anything previously done by anyone. (While there were many examples of excellence during this Olympics, a few of them really stand out.)
Shaun White’s new spectacular half-pipe trick had never been attempted or accomplished by anyone else. He developed it himself and ‘went for it’ in his final run – although he had already wrapped up the Gold with his previous run. He pushed himself to prove what he could do under pressure.
In figure skating, two women (who won Gold and Silver) provided another example of excellence: Kim Yu-Na scored more points overall than any previous skater ever! And Mao Asada has set several records of never-before-done jumps by a woman in competition.
Also, short-track speed skater Apolo Ohno set a new record for combined medals won by an American in Olympic competition.

You can redeem yourself from failure – if you’re willing to do what it takes and try again.
Bodie Miller, alpine skier, was widely considered a major ‘failure’ at the Torino Olympics four years ago. He had the talent needed to excel, but he failed in a spectacular way, mostly through his own attitude of ‘not caring’ – plus his actions of drinking and carousing at night during the Games. This time he came in with a completely different attitude - and went away with a Gold, a Silver, and a Bronze medal.

Guts and determination can allow you to break through pain and fear to go ahead and succeed.
Lindsey Vonn earned the Gold medal in skiing’s downhill, despite a shin injury that forced her to ski with a lot of pain. She also went on to win a bronze medal in the Super G event. Although the injury could have been used as an ‘excuse’ to hold back, she fought through the pain to great success. While she didn’t earn as many medals as had been predicted (expected?), she was wisely happy with her performances, having succeeded against odds that might have derailed someone with less guts and determination.

Courage and strength can allow you to weather any storm – or tragedy.
Figure Skater Joannie Rochette took to ice only 48 hours after the death of her Mother from a massive heart attack. Her mother had arrived at the Olympics to watch her skate, and her father was still there. Since her mother had been such a strong supporter of her skating through the years, she knew she would want her to go ahead – despite her grief. She performed wonderfully, and ‘held it together’ until the end, when she finally cried. (Everyone watching was crying as well.) It was inspiring to see her strength and courage in performing so well in both her short program and free skate, earning her the Bronze medal.

Poor sportsmanship can pollute appreciation for one’s athletic ability.
Evgeni Plushenko (who won the Gold medal in ice skating at the 2006 Olympics) had retired, but decided to come back and compete in the 2010 Olympics as well. He wound up with the Silver medal this time – and reacted in a most unsportsmanlike way. He claimed he was ‘robbed’ because he performed a quad jump, when the Gold medal winner did not. However, none of his jumps were of the quality (mostly in the shaky landings) as the perfect jumps of the Gold medal winner. So rather than burnishing his reputation as a winner, he’s now widely seen as a sore loser.

People with whom you compete can ALSO be cherished friends.
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir of Canada were the Gold medal winners of the ice dancing competition and Meryl David and Charlie White of the U.S. were the Silver medal winners. Far from there being any animosity between the skaters, they are actually very close friends, training together and knowing each other since they were quite young. So there was nothing but happiness on the part of everyone in celebrating all of their success.

So the next time you feel like you can’t accomplish something you’ve set out to do, these examples can serve as inspiration for what’s possible – both in performance and in attitude – that can bring great satisfaction in your life.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

Some General Principles to Live By

I've been reading some books about 'how to live' - about ways to improve your overall quality of life. They reminded me of a great list of 'principles to live by' written by my husband, James Vaughan, more than 30 years ago and given to our (at that time) teenage kids.

1. Tell the truth. Honesty really is the best policy.

2. Perfect your ability to love. It's the most powerful force in the world.

3. Pay attention to two-year-olds and puppies. They know what's important.

4. Look at sunsets; smell the flowers; listen to the birds; touch the people you care about; taste life. Everything you need is there for you.

5. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs, but don't do it in ways that keep others from meeting theirs.

6. Forgive yourself and others. We're all doing the best we can to find our way.

7. Live by your own values. Others may think they know best for you, but you're the one who has to live with the consequences of your actions.

8. Listen to your body and take care of it. It's the best teacher you have now.

9. Laugh often and long. It really does help.

10. Hang out with people you like and admire. We tend to imitate those around us whether we want to or not.

11. Follow your dream. Life is exciting when you're pursuing your own goals - and you can do and have most anything you really want.

12. Learn from your failures and don't be afraid to fail often.

13. Life isn't fair, but it isn't unfair either. When things don't seem to be working for you, do something. Movement is the key to change and life itself.

14. Peace is possible and it begins with you and me.

15. One of the greatest paradoxes in life is that you get more when you give more.

16. Relationships are more important than things.

17. The greatest challenge you will ever have is to be yourself.

18. Be nice to prunes. You may be one someday.

Note: Our kids began calling us 'the prunes' (a kidding reference to our getting older) when we were in our early 40's. Now that we're in our 70's we appreciate that everyone who lives will 'be one someday.' But whatever age you are now is a good time to stop and reflect on your life and what principles you are living by today.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

If only I’d known then…

I’m approaching my 74th birthday, and often think about all the factors that go into ‘aging gracefully’ that I know now – but didn’t know back when I was younger. So I decided to try to organize a few of them for the benefit of younger generations, recognizing that generally everyone must learn these facts (the hard way) for themselves.

Young people generally feel invincible. When we’re young we feel we can do almost anything without serious consequences. This is especially true when the consequences don’t kick in until many years later. But what you do (or don’t do) when you’re young often determines what you can do later in life.

There’s a general recognition of how the actions we take when we’re young can affect our careers later on in life. But there’s often a failure to be aware of the many other areas where our early actions make a difference – particularly in areas related to health, fitness and general wellness.

So lets take a head-to-toe look at some of the areas that deserve early attention:

When we’re young…

We take our full, lustrous hair for granted. But harsh chemicals or other mistreatment earlier in life can lead to dry, brittle, thinning hair later on.

Most of us have great eyesight – and take it for granted. We engage in all kinds of activities that strain our eyes, particularly with so much close work with screens of all kinds and sizes. It helps to stop regularly (about every 15 minutes to look up and at a distance) to give our eyes a break. This can help avoid the long-term impact where many of us find that by the time we’re in our 40’s, we need glasses to see what we once saw quite easily on our own.

We don’t take wearing sunglasses seriously – often wearing them more for appearance than for practical reasons. But failing to protect our eyes from the harmful sun rays may lead to potential problems later on.

We resist the idea of always applying sunscreen; it seems like such a bother that we may not be inclined to apply it regularly. However, this omission leads to one of the most obvious results later in life: dry, wrinkled, damaged skin. Even worse, of course, is that it also increases the chances for developing skin cancer.

We eat stuff that can come back to haunt us when we’re older. If our parents allow us to eat a lot of ‘junk food,’ we develop a taste for it, but continuing to eat that way as an adult leads to a huge array of physical problems later in life, including high cholesterol, obesity, adult-onset diabetes, etc.

We usually brush our teeth fairly well and fairly regularly (at our parents’ urging), as well as visiting the dentist for checkups. But as we become adults we may not be as conscientous about our checkups, thinking cavities are only when we’re young. We also often fail to floss regularly – which is extremely important. (In fact, I once had a dentist who posted a sign saying: “You only need to floss the teeth you’d like to keep.") Later in life, you really appreciate the importance of having cared for your teeth all through the years.

Our strong backs mislead us into thinking we can get by with all kinds of lifting and other movements that put a strain on our backs. (It’s important to use your legs to lift rather than bending down, and to sit down to put on your pants/shoes, etc.) ‘Back problems’ are one of the leading issues as people get older, and the accumulation of all those times of abusing our backs takes an inevitable toll and can lead to almost constant pain.

We’re generally flexible, and may assume we will maintain that ease of movement through the years. But a failure to do daily, regular stretching leads most older people to develop stiffness and poor posture that becomes a daily hassle – as well as affecting our overall appearance.

Lots of walking and running around are normal for kids, but this often gradually diminishes through the years until the point where many people get virtually no regular aerobic exercise. This strongly contributes to the high prevalence of heart disease later in life. And even if you avoid heart problems, the lack of exercise can lead to difficulty in walking without a walker when you get older.

When it comes to caring for our feet, women are in far greater danger of doing damage to their feet that will come back to haunt them later on – due to wearing high heels. The human foot was never designed to be in the position required for heels, and certainly not for being in that position while bearing your full weight. Many women who sacrified foot care for appearance live to regret it when they have difficulty walking as they get older.

Here’s a quick review of the ways you can prepare for a long, healthy life:

Care for your hair; avoid harsh treatments
Don’t strain your eyes – take breaks to look at a distance
Wear sunglasses regularly
Wear sunscreen anytime you’re in the sun
Eat healthy foods, not so much ‘junk’
Brush, floss and get dental checkups
Protect your back – lift properly
Stretch and maintain your flexibility
Aerobic exercise is essential throughout life
Don’t abuse your feet with poor shoe choices

The above list is just a brief overview of SOME of the many aspects of our lifestyle choices that influence – or even sometimes determine – the quality of our lives when we’re older. So it’s smart to prepare now (no matter what age you are) for a future time when you’ll be dealing with the consequences of whatever you did (or didn’t do) now.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.