Peggy's Musings

Unconditional Acceptance

From the time we’re born we have an innate need to be loved and accepted – to feel we’re “OK.” However, no matter how many people may love us, it’s extremely rare to find people who accept us unconditionally. Most of us have expectations of each other that when not fulfilled wind up undermining our feelings of acceptance.

Many years ago I read Sidney Simon’s work about the damages of what he referred to as our “red pencil mentality” – the process of pointing out whatever negative aspects we notice in others (similar to using a red pencil on school tests to point out mistakes). Of course, it’s not just in school that we are on the receiving end of this kind of ‘constructive criticism.’ It continues throughout our lives – with our parents, spouses, friends, co-workers, etc.

After years of experiencing this kind of judgment, we accept it as ‘normal’ – just being ‘the way it is’ in relationships of all kinds. At some point we become so accustomed to being judged that we actually expect it. I hadn’t realized that I had this mindset until I experienced for myself the feeling of being unconditionally accepted, no matter what I said or did.

I still vividly recall the first time I had this experience. I had done something that I felt deserved criticism, but a dear friend took me by both arms, looked me straight in the eye, and refused to feed into my self-criticism. In fact, he made it clear that I was fully accepted just as I was – no criticism and no judment. This was so completely unexpected that it was actually something of a shock. Every encounter I had with him carried this same kind of unconditional acceptance quality. I recall that I chalked it up to perhaps being only because he was a man who had dedicated himself to his religious work.

However, a few years later, I was blessed again, having almost the same kind of experience with another friend – who repeatedly and consistently gave me his total acceptance. He died earlier this year, and it’s his death that led me to begin reflecting on what an important role he had played in my life. I again recognized my extremely good fortune in having been on the receiving end of the total acceptance he extended to me and to many others.

I think if you receive this kind of unconditional acceptance from one person during your lifetime, you’re fortunate. So I feel doubly blessed to have had this experience with two different people. It’s important to note that this was not about a one-time expeirence of feeling accepted. Their acceptance – of everyone - was an integral part of who they were as human beings.

These kinds of experiences can happen when you least expect them. There was nothing in my initial introduction to these two men that would indicate what special people they would become in my life. For instance, I met both of them in the context of my work with my husband in conducting a variety of workshops back in the 1970’s. Even though our contact with them began as colleagues, they quickly became valued friends. In fact, we went out of our way to find as many opportunities as possible to work with them during the years following our initial meeting.

Although neither of them has been an integral part of our lives for the past decade or so, their influence never diminished and their value to my life never dimmed. And reflecting on their influence on me leads me to work even harder to show compassion and acceptance toward others.

I strongly encourage you to do two things: first, to consider who in your life has ever lifted you up when you were down and shown you the kind of unconditional acceptance that made a difference. And second, to contemplate how you can do the same thing for others as you go about your daily life.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

The Masks we Wear

I’ve been reading a book about President John F. Kennedy’s life, and I’m learning far more than I ever realized about the extent of his ill health. I have long been aware of the way President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s wheel-chair use due to polio had been hidden from the public. And I knew President Kennedy had back problems – and later learned he had also had Addingon’s Disease. But I had no idea of the extent of the physical constraints hidden behind the façade of youth and vigor.

It turns out that he was actually a shell of the physical specimen that he presented to the public. In fact, he was barely able to function much of the time – and then only due to the extraordinary efforts of a team of three doctors who regularly poked, prodded, and medicated him in order to make it possible for him to function without crutches. And his myriad of gastic problems also created ongoing struggles with pain, diarrhea, and general upset that interferred with his ability to function normally.

While the secrets of the ‘famous’ are often eventually revealed, allowing us to see the reality behind the public mask, all of us in one way or another present an image to the public that varies from the full reality of our lives.

Why is it that we’re so afraid to let others know the truth about who we really are? One answer to this question can be found in one of my favorite books, “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?” by John Powell. His response to the question is: “If I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have.”

However, if we look behind this way of presenting ourselves in whatever way we think will lead others to like us, the person they like is not really us; it’s the fake image of ourselves that they like. So we aren’t actually liked for who we are, but for who we’re pretending to be.

The irony in presenting ourselves in whatever way we think will be the most ‘liked’ (respected, admired, etc.) is that it prevents us from ever really being known. This, in turn, leads each of us to compare ourselves to others by looking at the way they present themselves (their ‘outsides’) to the way we know ourselves to be (our ‘insides'). This invariably leads to a false comparison, always making us look ‘less than’ the other.

But, of course, we’re also trying to present ourselves to others in a way that leads them to compare our ‘outsides’ to their ‘insides’ - and conclude that they are in some way ‘less’ than we are. This leads everyone to feel worse about themselves than would be the case if we could all be more genuine in our presentation of ourselves to the outside world.

Of course, in addition to the fact that our masks prevent us from being as close to others as we might otherwise be, it also prevents us from being authentically who we really are. While we may be quite skilled at presenting a false front, it does take a toll. It leads us to be unable to relax and be ourselves, constantly being vigilant in maintaining the illusions about ourselves that we have constructed for others to see.

I must admit that I, like most of us, try to present myself in the best possible light, whether or not that light is completely accurate. The one exception (and my saving grace) is that my husband knows the ‘real me.’ Since I don’t hide anything from him, he is the one person who knows me fully.

While it’s unlikely that most of us will drop ALL our masks, I encourage you to make sure there is at least one person in your life who knows you completely. Having this ‘safe place’ where you can relax and be yourself can make a big difference in your ability to deal with all aspects of your life.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

Michael Jackson's Legacy

Michael Jackson died a week ago today. I had NOT planned to write anything about it, but to avoid commenting would be like ‘ignoring the elephant in the room.’ You can’t pick up a newspaper or magazine (or watch a TV news or entertainment program) without seeing something about his death – and his life.

This is not just a big story here in the U.S.; it’s a big story around the world. He is one of those rare people (like Muhammad Ali) who is well-known in every corner of the globe. In fact, one of the interesting things about the media focus since his death is that it ‘brings the world together’ in focusing on the same thing at the same time. This is particularly poignant since many of his lyrics are aimed at uniting the world in coming together for the benefit of everyone.

While I don’t want to comment on his death (or on the more eccentric parts of his life), I do want to comment on his ‘message’ to the world as delivered through the lyrics to some of his songs.

One key example of his come-together message is in the lyrics to the song,
“We are the World,” which he co-wrote:

“There comes a time - when we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all.

“We can't go on pretending day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are the world - We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day - So let's start giving.”

Then, as if to bring this message down to the personal challenge to each of us,
he wrote in “The Man in the Mirror.”

“I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change.”

Another of his songs that has meaningful lyrics produced an even more impressive video, depicting the morphing of people’s faces from one color/ethnicity to another – illustrating that we’re really all ‘one.’
Here’s an excerpt from “It Don’t Matter if You’re Black or White:”

“It's not about races - just places, faces
Where your blood comes from is where your space is.
If you're thinkin' of being my brother
It don't matter if you're black or white.”

So rather than dwell on the particulars of his life and death, we would do well to focus on the message he left, challenging all of us to Come Together. Despite his enormous talent, this was his major contribution to the world.

P.S. I was, like many people, a huge fan – primarily due to his amazing performance during Motown’s 25th Anniversary TV show in 1983 as well as attending a live performance during his big 1984 tour. I’ve seen a good many live performances through the years, but this was by far the most spectacular.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

Winning vs. Succeeding

When involved in any kind of ‘competitive’ activity - whether specific ones like sports contests or talent contests or more general ones like getting the best grades in school - most of us obviously want to WIN! We may not be quite as extreme about it as Vince Lombardi in saying, “Winning isn't everything, it is the only thing.” But in any kind of competition, there’s an underlying assumption that you need to be ‘in it to win it.’

While many people will find it hard believe that a thoughtful reflection on the error of focusing only on ‘winning’ could come from a TV show like “American Idol,” that’s just what has happened. While some of this year’s contestants have been open about acknowledging their desire to ‘win,’ Adam Lambert, one of the finalists, is quoted as saying, “I didn't really come here to win as much as I came to get exposure and build my career. It's about what the show gives us."

Some would say this kind of comment was probably insincere - which might be the case if it came from someone who didn’t have a good chance of winning anyway. (And as I write this on May 13, we don’t yet know the eventual outcome of the competition - since the finals are on May 19, with the ‘winner’ announced the following night.) But I’ve been following the show for some time and fully appreciate that his performances are so extraordinary that it really won’t matter whether or not he wins. The judges, as well as most objective observers, recognize that he has demonstrated such star quality that he’s sure to have a very successful career, regardless of the outcome of the competition.

If he doesn’t win, this wouldn’t be the first time that a non-winner would demonstrate the degree to which not winning didn’t matter. Those who don’t know and/or don’t care about American Idol may nevertheless be aware of some of the highly successful careers of former contestants who did not win. Some of the non-winners include: Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, and Jennifer Hudson (who wound up ‘winning’ an Academy Award).

So the next time you find yourself getting caught up in the win-lose mentality (in whatever area of life in which you may compete), it would be smart to focus less on winning and more on just doing your best. In fact, as with Adam on American Idol, focusing on just ‘doing well’ (without being driven by winning) can free you up to actually do better! Focusing more on the outcome than on the process can actually interfere with being able to do your best in the moment. But focusing on the performance instead of the results allows you to perform better, thus increasing your chances of also winning.

One final thought: “Winning brings short-term satisfaction, but succeeding has a long-term payoff.”

Specifically, this means that success has more lasting, long-term value than one euphoric moment of being a ‘winner’ - ultimately making it possible to get more of what you want in life. Also, adopting an attitude of striving to succeed (over which you have some control) vs. winning (which is often up to others to determine) can work to your advantage in any area of life. And it provides the extra bonus of eliminating the stress that comes from thinking only of ‘winning.’ The bottom line is that succeeding ‘wins’ over winning almost every time.

P.S. Addendum: Update
Last night was the finale of the competition, and Adam Lambert did NOT win. But his reaction validated the sincerity of his earlier statement: “I didn't really come here to win as much as I came to get exposure and build my career.” He seemed to be genuinely pleased for Kris Allen, who was obviously shocked at the outcome. His shock was echoed by the headlines following the results, focusing on how the dark horse, underdog pulled an upset. The bottom line is that while Adam didn’t ‘win’ the American Idol crown, he’s likely to ‘succeed’ in spectacular ways.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

When Dreams Come True

A couple of years ago I wrote about an extraordinary video of a rather ‘pitiful’ man named Paul Potts who appeared on the show “Britain’s Got Talent” – and proved to be an amazing opera singer. He went on to win that competition, get a record contract, go on tour, and become a very successful performer.

Now, lightning has struck again. I just watched a video of a 47-year-old ‘pitiful’ woman on the same show – who again wowed the audience and the judges, including Simon Cowell of American Idol fame. It is with great anticipation that I look forward to seeing what the future holds for her.

Anyway, I want to share again my writing about the initial Paul Potts phenomenon (along with a link to his video) – AND include a link to this most recent incident with Susan Boyle.

Here’s my earlier writing about Paul Potts:
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I want to begin with a confession: “I don’t like opera.” Even though I took piano lessons for 12 years, playing the classics, I somehow found listening to opera to be a grating, nervous-inducing experience. All that changed in an instant – when I watched a man’s dream come true on a talent contest in the UK. He sang opera in a way that thrilled me, inspired me, and gave me goosebumps.

His name is Paul Potts, a 36-year-old very shy man who was working as a mobile phone salesman. He had sung all his life, but had not been able to ‘break through’ as a professional singer. His confidence was extremely low, having been bullied as a child and never gaining any self-esteem. His circumstances continued to be discouraging as he went through a long illness and incurred very large debts. After much hesitation, he finally decided to enter the contest – with no expectation that he would even make it through the first round.

However, from the moment he opened his mouth to sing, it was clear that he was not only good, but perhaps the best opera singer ever. (In fact, a friend of mine who has seen all the ‘greats’ in person says there is no question that Paul is the best!)

So now he has a chance to completely change his life, since he’s already recording an album for Simon Cowell’s company. In fact, seeing a hard-nose like Simon so surprised and impressed with Paul’s talent is a special treat. And as Paul began to sing for the first time, you could visibly see the woman judge on the panel literally have her breath taken away. But the audience was the most moving of all as they broke into spontaneous applause after only a few bars of his first song.
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All the reactions to the incredible talent of Paul Potts (like the judges’ faces of amazement and the crowd’s spontaneous bursts of applause) were repeated with the extraordinary performance of Susan Boyle in the newest edition of the talent show.

In a time when there is so much bad news in the world, it’s wonderful to be inspired by positive, uplifting stories like these. So I encourage you to watch these videos on YouTube – just as a reminder that occasionally dreams do come true.

Paul Potts
Susan Boyle

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.
(The original writing about Paul Potts is included in this book.)