Peggy's Musings

The Last Move

A large part of the focus in our extended family during the past month has been the issue of arranging for ‘the last move’ for some older family members. There have been two instances of needing to move someone into a nursing home or assisted living facility.

In one situation, it was far past the time when anyone would have expected to live on their own. So there was no real difficulty in making this move - since physical challenges made it an obvious and essential next step. But it still marks a time when there’s an awareness that this is ‘the last move,’ bringing a certain degree of ‘finality’ to life.

These are very difficult times in most families, one that most people don’t want to think about until the time comes when they must act. It’s especially difficult if there is resistance to going into ‘the home,’ as recently happened with another family member. But within the first few days, she found that she greatly enjoying this new living situation. So it also had a positive resolution.

I’ve been the primary person responsible for handling this kind of situation twice – for my grandmother and then for my own mother. While I lived far away from where they lived, I naturally dropped everything to take care of the arrangements.

With my grandmother, it was extremely difficult. Since my mother couldn’t face the situation (either physically or emotionally), I was called home to take responsibility for moving my grandmother into the nursing home. Even though there was no alternative, she was extremely resistant to the inevitable move. In fact, one of the saddest (and most courageous) acts I’ve ever witnessed was when we were walking up to the door of the home – she on her walker and me following behind – and she stopped, turned, and said (with pride), “You didn’t think I could do it, did you?” It broke my heart, but we both were doing what we had to do.

Fortunately, with my mother, it was an entirely different kind of experience. It went smoothly because her health was seriously compromised to the point that she rarely got out of bed. She had almost died four years earlier following a stroke, so she had accepted that this move was coming. And since she would stay in her home town with so many friends, she was fully prepared and accepting of the situation.

I’ve always had a tendency to think about and talk about end-of-life issues of all kinds, and these experiences just reinforced the value of not waiting until the last minute to address these situations. So I encourage those of you who are gathering with family during this holiday season to take some time to talk about who and how these responsibilities will be handled. Doing so will allow the whole family to be better prepared when it comes time for a family member to make ‘the last move.’

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

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