Peggy's Musings

Family Ties of Compassion

At this Holiday Season, my thoughts naturally go to years past when more of my family was alive. In fact, since my Daddy died two days after Christmas in 1971, the holidays have always brought feelings of both joy (with my grandchildren) and sadness (thinking about Mother and Daddy being gone).

Although Daddy died suddenly, Mother died a slow, painful death. I sat by her side round-the-clock for her final three weeks. And since she was not conscious, I had a lot of time to think – and to write. One of the many writings during that time was one based on sitting there thinking about my Mother’s life. While I’ve never considered myself a poet, when I tried to describe her life, my thoughts came in the form of poetry.

Here’s what I wrote at that time in 1988 – when she was 71, younger than I am today:

My feelings about Mother's life are ones I've had before
But now that she's dying I wish there were more.
More time (not like this time), but time to have had
More of the good things and less of the bad.

It's easy to wish for a different kind of life
One with more dreams met, one with less strife.
But maybe it's wrong to think that way now
It's not what she did; rather it's how.

She certainly had spirit and a mind of her own.
She didn't want "advice;" wanted to do it alone.
Her choices were strange if you didn't understand
How it all fit together in her own private plan.

You might have been frustrated that she couldn't see
How much she could do, how much she could be.
But that way of thinking tends to ignore
The impact of all that had happened before.

She'd been passive and dependent and somewhat deprived
Of a sense of her potency and ability to thrive.
So when the time came that she could have stepped out
She was afraid of a world she knew nothing about.

A world where what's needed is talent and skill
Where safety's abandoned and security is nil.
She had what it took, but she didn't know it.
Her experience hadn't given her the confidence to show it.

So those who would judge and say "what a shame"
Had they been in her shoes might have done just the same.
She did what was needed to cope day by day
And when all's said and done, she did it her way.

So during this season when families often gather, I hope you will think deeply about whatever ‘issues’ you may have about the way either your parents or other family members conduct their lives – and determine to show them compassion, despite any personal objections you may have to their choices in how to lead their lives.

No one can really walk in the shoes of another and fully understand why they are the way they are - or why they do the things they do. But it’s helpful to keep in mind that however much you may disagree with their decisions or their actions, it’s far better to think that just maybe everyone is doing the best they can do at any particular time in their life. And, further, that if or when they can do differently, perhaps they will.

In the meantime, whether or not we understand the thinking or actions of some members of our family, we can (short of their doing something illegal or objectively harmful to us), be more accepting and more compassionate of their struggle to find their way in the world. Believe me, after they’re gone, you’ll be glad you did. I am so thankful that I ‘made peace’ with my personal opinion of my Mother long before she died and was able to accept her as she was and love her as she deserved to be loved. I highly recommend it.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

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