Peggy's Musings

Announcing Changes in this Blog

This is my last posting for this Blog of my “Musings on Life.” But it’s only a break for a few months. This Fall I expect to start a new Blog (with a slightly different focus) called “Peggy’s Perspective” where I will tackle a variety of big issues and offer my perspective on them.

I’ve written these “Musings” for the past four years, organizing the first two years of writings into a book called Musings on Life. Now I’ll be organizing the past two years worth of Blogs into a new book to be called “MORE Musings on Life.”

In the meantime, I will keep these Archives of about 50 of the Blogs so they can be read by anyone who wants to review them. I’ve enjoyed this writing and expect to come back with a fresh approach to addressing issues that affect all of us.

Being Responsible Consumers

I’ve always prided myself on being frugal, mainly only buying what I needed. (Of course, our definition of what we “need” is often little more than only what we “want.”) Nevertheless, I have a long habit of looking for bargains and avoiding paying retail whenever possible. The bottom line is that I have considered myself a “responsible” consumer.

However, my pride in that appoach has been seriously tested lately – as I have noticed that I tend to be buying more (of all kinds of things – from books to shirts) than usual. I think it’s because I’ve identified several places with really amazing prices, which fools me into thinking I’m “saving” money. Of course, you’re not really saving money if you’re spending as much overall – even if you’re spending less for each item.

We do live in a consumer-oriented society where almost everyone (regardless of their income) has the “basics” – which, for instance, has come to include having a television set.
Here’s some recent data about TV in U.S. households:
--99 percent of households possess at least one television.
--The number of TV sets in the average U.S. household is 2.24.
--66 percent of households have three or more TV sets.

I use televisions only as an example of consumerism in the U.S. – but it’s easy to defend the “need” for a television in today’s world. While far too much time is spent watching TV (an average of 6 hours, 47 minutes per day in an average U.S. home), it’s also true that TV provides a lot of basic information needed to be a functioning part of society.

The bigger issue here is not the purchase of any one particular item, it’s the fact that most of us purchase so MUCH. We generally operate from a mentality that “more is better,” only to find that we accumulate so much “stuff” that we can’t find a place to put it all – AND we can’t find it when we want it.

I’ve written in the past about my efforts to simplify and rid myself of things that are not being used on an ongoing basis. But it seems that despite my effort to get rid of a lot of old stuff, I compensate by bringing in more new stuff. So I’m now committed to paying more attention to what I add, not just what I subtract – aimed at becoming what’s been referred to as a “conscious consumer.”

In the past year or so (focusing only on helping the U.S. economy grow), there’s been a need to hold up the level of consuming. But in the long term, it’s a recipe for disaster for the world as a whole. So it’s time to raise our awareness of the insatiable desire for “more” that drives us to be irresponsible consumers.

There are many efforts being made to help us focus on this issue and take steps to deal with it. So if you want to get some specific ideas about how to go about being a better consumer, here are some resources that might help:

One is a book called American Mania: When More is Not Enough.

Another book is Get Satisfied: How Twenty People Like You Found the Satisfaction of Enough.

Also, there a website, Postconsumers.com that offers an “Interactive Handbook” with questions to which you can respond to get a profile of your own personal patterns and desires as a consumer.

Ironically, all three of the above resources cost money – which involves continuing the pattern of consumption. But being wise and thoughtful about where we spend our money can certainly lead us toward becoming truly “responsible” consumers.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

Ain’t it Awful

For the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with a very frustrating business transaction. As the situation became more and more prolonged, it began to “take over my life.” And I did what I tend to do when I get upset: I began to “awfulize” – to think (and say) that this is awful and I can’t stand it. These exaggerated reactions to life’s irritations are, of course, patently ridiculous. They’re not really “awful;” they’re just the routine aggravations that we face at different time throughout our lives.

This overreaction to everyday events is made all the more ridiculous when you think about things that are TRULY awful – like the oil in the Gulf of Mexico! I’ve been watching a lot of the coverage of the situation in the Gulf, and am more and more embarrassed at the idea of complaining about ANYTHNG.

The more I focus on these kinds of serious situations, the more perspective I am able to bring to the irritations of daily life that are NOT really awful – just inconvenient. Unfortunately, while the fact that others have it worse – MUCH worse – is an awareness that may temporarily help us deal with our tendency to awfulize about life’s normal hassles, but it’s sometimes difficult to hold on to that perspective over time.

So I want to share Albert Ellis’s list of “irrational beliefs” that are behind most of the unreasonable thinking that causes so much upset in our lives.

But first, a note about Ellis, the man: While he presented a very gruff persona in his workshops, he was actually a very kind and generous person. I met him about 30 years ago when we were both guests on a TV talk show. In talking backstage, he became interested in my writing and offered to “critique” my first book. Almost a decade later, he again graciously read my next book and critiqued it as well. He was thoughful and insightful - and was extremely gracious to use so much time and energy in supporting someone he hardly knew.

Albert Ellis died in 2007, but he left a legacy of clear thinking that can serve as a guide for all us in getting control of the irrational thinking that gives us so much heartburn. His ideas are based on his work in cognitive behavioral therapy, proposing that “The way you think affects the way you act.” So if you change your thinking (your “irrational beliefs” about a situation), you’ll change your reactions to those events.

Here is Ellis’s list of twelve common irrational ideas that get us in trouble:
(Note that they are deliberately extreme to demonstrate how unreasonable our thinking can be.)

1. Everyone should love and approve of me (if they don't, I feel awful and unlovable).
2. I should always be able, successful, and "on top of things" (if I'm not, I'm an inadequate, incompetent, hopeless failure).
3. People who are evil and bad should be punished severely (and I have the right to get very upset if they aren't stopped and made to "pay the price").
4. When things do not go the way I wanted and planned, it is terrible and I am, of course, going to get very disturbed. I can't stand it!
5. External events, such as other people, a screwed-up society, or bad luck, cause most of my unhappiness. Furthermore, I don't have any control over these external factors, so I can't do anything about my depression or other misery.
6. When the situation is scary or going badly, I should and can't keep from worrying all the time.
7. It is easier for me to overlook or avoid thinking about tense situations than to face the problems and take the responsibility for correcting the situation.
8. I need someone—often a SPECIFIC person—to be with and lean on (I can't do everything by myself).
9. Things have been this way so long, I can't do anything about these problems now.
10. When my close friends and relatives have serious problems it is only right and natural that I get very upset too.
11. I don't like the way I'm feeling but I can't help it. I just have to accept it and go with my feelings.
12. I know there is an answer to every problem. I should find it (if I don't, it will be awful).

The bottom line is that it’s not the nature of a particular situation that triggers our reaction. Although we like to think “everybody” would react that way, it’s simply not true. Two people can face the same trying situation, with one reacting by awfulizing while the other is reacting by rationally consider the best alternative to addressing the situation.

So the next time you find yourself overreacting to some situation, stop and review the above set of irrational beliefs that are likely to be the real cause of our reaction. Since all of us face difficulties throughout our lives, we need to remain clear about what does – and what does NOT – really qualify as “awful,” and then try to respond in the most effective way possible.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

Love Will Keep us Together

The news that Al and Tipper Gore are separating after 40 years of marriage has led to reactions ranging from shock to sadness. They have always seemed to be a very loving couple who were totally committed to each other, and it’s disturbing when we see such a marriage end. However, it's an illustration of the false assurance promised by the title of a song, “Love will keep us together.”

I identify with their background in that I also married my high school sweetheart – 55 years ago. And while I recognize that early marriage can be a drawback, it can also potentially create a closer bond than when you meet as full-fledged adults. However, life has many twists and turns for all of us (regardless of how or when we start out), and theirs has certainly had its share.

For instance, friends have pointed out that their union reflected the old saying that “opposites attract” - and that they have led very different lives for many years, contributing to a certain “growing apart.” So while it may seem sad to see it reach this point, we need to recognize that they seem to have made a very considered, practical decision that they believe to be best for this time of their lives.

While I favor trying to work toward strengthening a marriage rather than abandoning it, I sense that the Gores have done this kind of work. Since I respect each couple's right to make this decision for themselves, it leaves the rest of us to accept their decision (whatever it is) - whether or not we understand or agree.

With the announcement of their separation, many people jumped to the conclusion that there must be a “smoking gun” – some incident that precipitated it. We may never know whether or not that was the case, but if we take them at their word that it was NOT something like this, then we also need to accept that sometimes marriages end not with a bang but with a whimper.

It’s easy to believe that their caring for each other and their family will continue. And this new situation may feel more authentic than whatever years may have led up to it where they were holding on to the past connection without moving forward together into the future.

One of the many possible factors in the demise of their marriage may by the changing attitudes of men and women as they get older. Although Tipper is 15 years younger than me, I relate to what happened with many women of our generation. We have tended to subvert our own interests and desires to that of our husband and family. When I married at the age of 19, it was an earlier time when traditional ideas about marriage were far more restrictive. So I abandoned almost all my personal pursuits and interests and threw myself completely into the “role” of wife, then mother.

In fact, many of us continue to identify strongly with our “roles” as wife, mother, daughter, worker, etc., but can’t clearly state who we are as a “person.” For many years, I’ve tried to remind myself not to get lost in my roles by looking at a saying I’ve posted near my desk saying: “A role is only a task; we’ve been using it as an identity.”

So while I can’t possibly know what might have been the motivation for the Gore’s separation, I can imagine a possible factor being Tipper’s desire to pursue a path beyond fulfilling her “roles” in life. And knowing how my husband has respected and supported my efforts to pursue other aspects of life beyond the roles I play… I can imagine that Al might well be supportive of any desire on Tipper’s part to more completely determine the course of her own life in the future – while maintaining a strong connection to him and to her family.

We would all do well to remind ourselves that there are many ways to live and that each of us struggles to find what’s best at different stages of our lives. So regardless of the reasons for the Gore’s separation, ultimately it’s none of our business – and we can only wish them well.

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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.

You Can’t Go Home Again

Thomas Wolfe’s novel “You Can’t Go Home Again” presents a nostalgia for things of past times – including “home.” This longing to go back to some past time or past experience is quite common. Even if we don’t literally want to go back to an earlier time in our lives, we’re still likely to want to re-visit some of the positive experiences from our past.

This past weekend I personally experienced the disappointment that can come from expecting to relive a previous positive experience. Of course, things constantly change (like the flowing river that makes it impossible to step into the same water a second time), so that we can’t really step back into the same experience. But that was my expectation when I went to a performance by a group I had seen “live” many years ago. I still fondly recalled my feelings in attending their earlier performance and fully expected to feel that way again.

With the (perhaps false) memory of the earlier time I saw them perform, I was deeply disappointed. It’s not just that they were older - and so was I. It was more of an awareness that memory has a way of playing tricks on you so that the “real thing” is seldom like the memory of it.

I’ve had this same experience with hearing the sales pitches on TV for collections of CD’s with music from the 50s or 60s or 70s. The clips they play during the commercials sound wonderful and inevitably trigger a nostalgic feeling for the past when the music was “new.” But I once made the mistake of actually purchasing one of these collections – and it was awful. I wished I had just left my memory intact of how much I enjoyed the music at an earlier time without polluting it with this new experience.

Another illustration of how memory tricks us is how dramatically different it feels to go back to your old home town after many years. For instance, I grew up in a small town, but in later years when I went back for a visit, I was amazed (and somewhat disappointed) to realize how VERY small it was. A bike ride over to “the lake” used to be a great adventure. Later it seemed so close that it was hard to imagine it ever felt like a “trip.” These little experiences can add up to the point that you no longer trust your memory of “how things used to be.”

Memories of people can also be challenged by time and distance. Although I couldn’t attend my 50th high school reunion, I saw photos of my class – and could recognize only a couple of them that I’d kept up with through the years. (I’m sure the others wouldn’t have recognized me either.) But again I realized that it was preferable to maintain my “memories” of these people without this brief experience of seeing them as strangers.

So we would be wise to recognize that time changes everything – including our memories of the past. And it’s better to honor the old memories, and (rather than trying to re-visit them) to embrace the idea of having NEW experiences that can eventually become positive memories as well.


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NOTE: If you enjoy these blog posts, please check out the list of 107 similar 'musings' (and read 8 of them) included in my book Musings on Life.