When faced with rebuilding a marriage following an extramarital affair, it's easy to think only in terms of the problems associated with the process. And while I don't know anyone who would choose to deal with the crisis of an extramarital affair, it is nevertheless possible to derive some "benefits" from the results of that effort. While I wouldn't have "chosen" to go through everything we had to deal with from James's 7 years of affairs, I honestly don't believe we could/would ever have developed the kind of honest, committed relationship that resulted from our efforts to work through this crisis together.

I found this same thing happening several years ago when I dealt with breast cancer. And I observed it in others when I spoke to groups of "cancer survivors." Many of them said that even with the anxiety and uncertainty they were facing, they had never felt more alive! I think that's because most people pretty much sleepwalk through life, only waking up when there's a crisis. I recommend a wonderful book (now only available "used" from Amazon.com) called Wake-Up Calls, subtitled You Don't Have to Sleepwalk Through Your Life, Love, or Career! by Eric Allenbaugh.

"Wake-up calls" are those jolting moments that can become opportunities for positive change. They don't feel like opportunities when you're in the midst of dealing with them. But it's a little like looking back when you're driving up a long, slow incline on the highway. You don't realize how far you've come until you look back at where you've been.

This realization can sometimes be helpful when you're still "climbing," but a crisis does have a way of putting things in a new perspective. It "shakes up our world" and leads us to rethink everything about our lives. The impact of an affair is more than just dealing with the affair itself (as if that weren't enough); it's dealing with a whole new way of seeing yourself, your spouse, yourselves as a couple--even your place in the world.

James and I have done "life-planning workshops" for over 35 years and developed a LifeDesign Workbook for others who want to do some systematic planning. But we've found that most people tend to kinda "float along" through life (reacting more than acting deliberately) until a crisis gets their attention. It's at that point that people are more likely to start "living by choice instead of chance."

In fact, often it's not the crisis itself that has as much lasting impact on our lives as it is the way we deal with the crisis. So in the midst of the struggle to deal with current issues around an affair, it might help to think in terms of finding a way to eventually gain some "benefits" from the process.