by Peggy Vaughan
This was previously posted as one of my Questions and Responsesbut I'm posting it as a permanent part of the website so it can be available to the large number of people who continue to request information about this specific aspect of dealing with affairs.
Since there are many, many men struggling to deal with their wife's affair, my work has always addressed BOTH. So I find it astounding that this question was submitted to my website. I can only assume that the man who wrote it has not read The Monogamy Myth, the articles about affairs posted on the site or the many previous Questions and Responseswhich have been submitted by both men and women.
I long ago recognized that the person having an affair (whether the husband or the wife) exhibits similar behaviors, including the secrecy, deception, and resistance to answering questions once discovered. At the same time, the spouse (whether the husband or wife) exhibits similar behaviors, including feelings of devastation and of struggling to recover and rebuild the marriage.
Several years ago when I had a message board on the website, it became obvious that men and women experienced a spouse's affair in much the same way. In fact, if you removed the name of the person posting the message, along with references to husband or wife, it was virtually impossible to determine whether any given message was written by a man or a woman.
And BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) is open to both men and women, and many of the local BAN Coordinators are men.
In addition, the Survey on Affairs that I conducted through my website was open to both men and women. In fact, 25% of the 1,083 respondents to the survey were men, and their answers were extremely similar to those of the women who respondedincluding the fact that they provided identical responses to the question about the current status of marriage to spouse who had affair(s):
Also, the results of the survey showed that overwhelmingly, both sexes wanted to know details of the affair. They healed and developed trust in the same proportions, and the same percentage (44%) felt their relationship had "improved" since the affair.
Finally, here's an excerpt from The Monogamy Myth in which I describe the universality of this issue.
(end of excerpt from The Monogamy Myth)
So while I was saddened by the fact that the writer of this question failed to realize that all my work is aimed at helping and supporting BOTH men and women whose spouses have had affairs, I appreciate this opportunity to clarify that this is my goal and the focus of all my efforts.