There is a constant stream of exposures of the affairs of politicians and celebrities—and I have written (and updated) this page several times over the years. The most recent exposure is about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.

I began noting these stories of well-known people having affairs with the exposure of Jesse Jackson's affair some years ago. I updated it during the media attention on the affair of congressman Gary Condit, and again with the disclosure of Kobe Bryant's affair. (And, of course, I began by writing about Bill Clinton's affair.)

With Jackson's affair, the focus was also on the fact that the affair had produced a child. Condit's affair was exposed due to the tragic disappearance of Chandra Levy. Bryant's affair carried the additional serious question of whether or not it included sexual assualt.

Regardless of the specific issues surrounding any particular story, each of them serves to raise our awareness once again of the prevalence of affairs. Each new case presents another opportunity to make some important points about the nature of affairs in our society.

Frankly, a great many more people are having affairs than we want to believe—and it's not just among celebrities. Affairs happen to all kinds of people in all walks of life. Generally (except among those who have personally faced this issue), people tend to try to ignore or deny the prevalence of affairs. So when we learn of yet another "public person" who has had an affair, it tends to make "news"—as if this is a rare or unusual occurrence.

The truth was more nearly reflected by Congressman John Conyers, Jr. during the time of the extensive focus on the Clinton-Lewinsky matter, when he was quoted as saying...
"If all members of Congress who had had problems of this nature [affairs] were excluded from dealing with this issue, it would be hard to find a quorum in Congress."

Unfortunately, there's still a tendency to think that affairs happen only to people in certain professions: entertainers, politicians, sports figures, celebrities, "traveling salesmen," etc. However, affairs are extremely prevalent among "regular people" as well, affecting all kinds of people in all walks of life. It's just that they don't get exposed in the same way. If there were the same kind of close public scrutiny of their lives, we'd be much more likely to recognize the pervasiveness of this problem. But most people who face an affair in their marriage still try to keep it secret—even from friends and family.

I certainly don't intend to expose any "private people," but I do think it's appropriate to have some discussion about those "public figures" that have been exposed in the news. I must admit I can't even begin to refer to all (or even most) of the public figures and leaders whose affairs have been publicly exposed.

Many of the exposures only took place after their death, leading us to have a double-standard in our judgment of those who are exposed while still alive (and in the public eye) vs. those whose affairs only became public knowledge after their death.

Below is a quick overview of some of our former Presidents whose affairs were revealed after their deaths. (Most of the following were reported in a book titled "Sex Lives of the Presidents" by Nigel Cawthorne.)

*George Washington was a "womanizer" who had numerous affairs.
*Thomas Jefferson had sex (and is believed to have fathered children) with a slave.
*Grover Cleveland had an "illegitimate child," (which he admitted during his campaign).
*Warren G. Harding was said to have had steamy trysts inside a White House closet.
*Dwight Eisenhower had a wartime affair that caused gossip when he ran for President.
*John F. Kennedy had sex with many women, including the "famous" and the unknown.
*Lyndon Johnson had a long-term affair (and fathered a child from the affair).

And, of course, there are many other "leaders" who could be cited, most notably Martin Luther King, Jr., whose extramarital sexual encounter was audiotaped by the FBI—and exposed to King's wife.

Some people tend to make a distinction between those who had a "one-time mistake" with those who made a "habit" of being involved in extramarital affairs. Frankly, I've always been astounded at the naïve way the public has seemingly accepted the idea that the only affair someone had was the one discovered. Thinking that the affair that is exposed is the only one that ever happened would be similar to believing that when someone gets caught speeding and gets a ticket, that was the only time they ever sped.

Whether it's those listed above or other "public figures" (like Bill Cosby, Frank Gifford, Newt Gingrich, Robert Livingston, Dan Burton, Henry Hide, David Schippers, Helen Chenoweth—or any of the other people who have had one affair exposed), their response inevitably refers to the incident as if it were the only affair they ever had. While I'm certainly not saying there were other affairs, it would be reasonable to think that this might be the case.

I am not trying to argue any particular case for or against any particular person. I am interested in the much bigger picture—the way we fail as a society to realistically confront this problem. We can't effectively deal with this issue until we understand the nature of the problem—which means acknowledging the prevalence of affairs.

The bottom line is that affairs occur in a large percentage of marriages. No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about. This doesn't "excuse" a person for having an affair, but it does help their spouse overcome the shame they feel when viewing it only as the failure of their spouse or their relationship. It's time to face the reality that affairs are not just a personal issue; they're a societal issue as well.

This is the message I have been trying to get across since The Monogamy Myth was first published in 1989. The issue of affairs is much bigger than our narrow focus only on the "personal" aspects of it—without also understanding this problem in the larger societal context.

While every poll shows that most people believe affairs are wrong (and we publicly condemn those who have affairs), our support of monogamy is only lip service. In fact, we are jointly responsible for creating a fertile environment for affairs by participating in the kinds of behaviors that actually contribute to the problem.

How do we contribute to a climate that promotes affairs?
1) by our obsession with sex as reflected in entertainment, fashion and advertising;
2) by our fascination, titillation, and glorification of affairs in books, movies, TV, etc.;
3) by our conditioning to be secretive and deceptive about sex (beginning with the lack of honest communication about sex between parents and kids);
4) by our participation in the secrecy that makes it easier for a person to engage in affairs and to avoid dealing with the consequences—or even to seriously contemplate the consequences.

We can't expect those who are having affairs to be more responsible in their actions as long as we all contribute to the factors that actually encourage affairs. We can not adequately address this issue until we acknowledge the hypocrisy surrounding the way we deal with ALL issues related to sex. Accurately defining the problem is the first step toward any hope of solving it.

For more on this issue, see:
The Truth, the Whole Truth
Our Fascination with Extramarital Affairs
Affairs in the News
The Prevalence of Affairs ("You're Not Alone")
Statistics about Affairs